Funny Jokes - Microsoft Marketing Algorithm
/*
* Microsoft marketing algorithm.
*/
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say('It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware = TRUE;
break;
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say('It will be ready in', today + 30_days, ' we're just testing');
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say('Yes it will work');
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say('It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to'
' the 32 bits architecture');
inform(INTEL, 'Pentium sales will rise skyhigh');
inform(SAMSUNG, 'Start a new memory chip plant'
''because all those customers will need at least 32 megs');
inform(QUANTUM, 'Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple');
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say('Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone');
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, 'write a nice objective article');
release (journalist);
break;
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say('It will be ready in', today + ONE_MONTH);
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say('that is a hardware problem, not a software problem');
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, 'Keep an eye on this guy');
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
void bugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say('It is not a bugfix but a new version');
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
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