Funny Jokes - Cape Town Olympics
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the
organisers of Cape Town's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
A petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city wearing the traditional
balaclava will ignite the Olympic flame. The flame will be contained in a
large take-away van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Cape Town's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Cape Town'
athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, gardens, vibacrete
walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed..
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen appliances and
jewellery as possible in 5 min.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or security guard.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of cheap
wine while the wife will be told not to make him any supper when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take
an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on
his first trip away from home. All against the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding,
drive-by shooting, and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with
sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the
course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be knocked over the head and dumped into Cape Town
harbour. The first three survivors back will decide the medals
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cape Town.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the Save Table
Mountain Group, synchronised rock throwing by the PAGAD Youth Movement and
music by the Gugulethu Comprehensive Choir..
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing
machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the
stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it
and remove all the copper piping and fittings.
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