Funny Jokes - Memo to Employees
NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
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SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: -
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: -
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: -
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
YOUR OWN DEATH: -
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practices of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve the exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHEQUE DEDUCTIONS: -
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychques;
Item Amount
Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £ 244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
State tax £11.61
Interstate tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Tic-Tacs £1.98
Thumbtacks £ 3.93
Carpet tacks £0.98
Stadium tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Surtax £3.46
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
F.I.C.A. £81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund £9.95
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Reassurance £0.11
Disability £2.50
Ability £0.25
Liability £3.41
Unreliability £10.99
Coffee £6.85
Coffee cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union dues £5.85
Union don'ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Overtime £1.26
Undertime £54.83
Eastern time £9.00
Central time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
Pacific time £6.00
Time out £12.21
Oxygen £10.02
Water £16.54
Heat £51.42
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Miscellaneous £113.29
Sundry £12.09
Various £ 8.01
Net take home pay £0.02
Thank you for you loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
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